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Ask Dr. SchwartzAsk Dr. Schwartz:
Psychotherapy and Mental Health questions

Is My Boyfriend Suffering From Some Kind of Sexual Problem or Is He Lazy in Sex?

Sun, Feb 12th 2012

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and I am very fearful about our future.

First, let me state that I truly do not believe that he is cheating. He has zero sex drive, he can go weeks (5-6) without wanting sex. This is still a new relationship and I want him, I want the intimacy. When we do have sex I feel like it is strictly business with him and I always have to perform oral sex first. He has never touched me down there or performed oral sex on me. In fact, the average time that it takes him is maybe 2-3 minutes. This is not working for me. I am getting angry and resentful.

The reason I am getting resentful is I am starting to believe that he may just be that selfish. I've been living with this man for 5 months now and not one single time has he helped me clean the house or even washed one dish or completed one load of clothes. He will not even get up and fix himself something to drink or eat because he expects me to do it. He kept a clean house while we were dating, even though I am sure he never cooked for himself. He will wake up hours after me and my son get up and expect me to drop everything to cook him something to eat or go get him something for him to eat. 

He works and I know that he works very hard. But, outside of work he is the laziest person I know. I have a very hard time with this, Dr. Schwartz, because I have worked a full time job, gone to school full time, and raised a child by myself, all while fighting breast cancer. Trust me, at times I wished I had someone there to just bathe my son one time or fix him something to drink but no one was there to help.

My boyfriend really takes advantage of me. In fact, I have asked him several times if he just wants a roommate or servant rather than a girlfriend. I do not mean to sound petty but, he never tells me that I am pretty or sexy or any of the things that women NEED to hear. There are strangers who have complimented me better than he does.

I have talked to an ex girlfriend of his and she said that he was the same way with her about sex. He is 35 years old and I have never met a man who doesn't want sex or to even please their partner. Most men I have known judge themselves by how much they can please their partner. What really confuses me is that when we are riding in the car or just hanging out around the house he will tease me through my clothes but when we go to bed he just turns his back to me.

I do not see myself living the rest of my life like this because I want love and loving. I have been given a second chance at life that some women do not get and I want to be happy.

Please, any advice or clarity you may give will be greatly appreciated and reflected upon.

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