Call 413.540.1234 to
schedule an appointment
CONCERN/EAP: 413.534.2625
CRISIS: 413.733.6661

Sexuality & Sexual Problems
Resources
Basic InformationLatest NewsQuestions and Answers
SexAnxiety and SexSexual Obsession? OCD?Is The Word 'Not' Missing?Help me Fight With my Sex DriveAnxiety Over Sexual FantasyWhen I Talk to Women My Eyes Fall on Their Boobs AutomaticallyDifferences in BedMy Boyfriend Cannot Have SEXEx-Girl Friends Pictures on Boyfriend's ComputerHow Can We Stop Our relationship From Falling Apart?Husband Never Wants Sex, Prefers to Masturbate. I'm Lonely...How to Prevent Any Relapse Into Pornography?Should I be Discouraging my Girlfriend's Masochistic Fantasies?Lack of Sex Drive at a Young age?Strange Sexual Fantasies Sex Feels Wrong Now That I'm PregnantFriends with BenefitsIs My Boyfriend Suffering From Some Kind of Sexual Problem or Is He Lazy in Sex?Intercourse Doesn't WorkSexual Genetic Programming Difficult to ControlCan a Marriage Survive Without Sex?Can We Make This WorkCan Attraction Come Back?Fear of Sex in Hubby Due to ED and Constriction in ChestWhy Won't He Have Sex With Me?Alcohol, No Sex, No Intimacy...Why Am I Here?Is He Gay?I'm Really Lost Too Different?No Sex Drive - EverHe Doesn't Feel the Same Way About Me But... HELP, With My Sexuality?My Boyfriend Has NO Sex DriveSame-Sex (Gay Boyfriend) Doesn't Desire Sex... Why?I'm 21, Female, With No Sex Dive, and it is Ruining my MarriageHow do I Reconnect With my Partner?Growing Apart In A Marriage Is It Him Who Is Too Hard To Trust Or Is It Me?What Is Happening To Me?No SexSingle Mom in Relationship, Withholding Affection, Stand-Off?My Boyfriend Wants to Experiment With MenMy Fiancee, The Wall Is UpI Think My Husband has Sex and Intimacy IssuesHow Can I Talk About My Greatest Fear?Husband and DaughterInorgasmiaOverdriven and Uncontrolled Sex Drive Needs Daily MasturbationHow Can I Recover My Sexual Drive that has Diminshed Severely Post-Surgery?Is it Transference or A Real Crush?Bipolar and sexual dysfunction?It Just Keeps Getting Worse, SarahMask and Encasement Fetish, MeteNo Sex DriveFiancee is bi-sexual I feel ugly and smell and smell down below. Is this normal?Holding ThroatSadistic Sexual Fantasies - Erotica.My wife and her sexualityI can't stop jerking off! How can I stop masturbating?My girlfriend and I have been having intercourse for over 2 1/2 years and she has yet to orgasmHow Can I Aviod Sexual Anxiety?My depressed husband won't sleep with me. What should I do?Religious wife is conflicted over husband's desire for anal playA wife writes: "Somehow, we have not yet had sexual intercourse"Rough SexWhy is he ruining our relationship?Religious wife regrets premarital sex; won't sleep with husbandSexual AnxietySex is great, but I dont like to do it.I beg you to give me your suggestions - Saman - Aug 4th 2008 "A Man's Perspective," Nick H. July 9, Men, Women, Marriage and SexI am a beautiful girl.....so why is my boyfriend selfish in bed?Alarming childhood issueRough SexChronic User-NEED ADVICE - Bryan - Mar 12th 2008Low Sex DriveSmoking fetish- looking for helpIs My Husband Gay ?Husband has low sex drivegender hatredBored husbandLooking at other women's breastsMy fiancée left me because of my past porn useSame Sex CuriosityNever been kissed but wanting sex ... (please help advise)Can I become a virgin again?Asexuality?Nude women an issue?swingerI have to imagine I'm a sex victimWe don't get much enjoyment from sexIs something wrong with me? (sexual question)Sexually Frustrated in KansasTerrified I'll Do something Sexually InappropriateHow can I stop using Porn?Boyfriend Talks DirtyOnline GamesFrustrated LesbianGay PornBondage and DisciplineCompulsive SexDecreased InterestCompulsive Internet Porn UseProper Sex Not HappeningTroubled MarriageI Rarely Want To Have SexMy Husband Won't Touch MeA Sexual ProblemLacking In IntimacyAmbivalent ExhibitionistI'm 40 But Still Feel Like A Teenager When SexualPornography #1Is Male Interest In Pornography Normal?I Think He May Be GayHusband Hates SexWants To Cross DressAntidepressants and Sexual DesireLow Sexual DesireIt's Not The PillsAftermath of the ThreesomeSexual Disorder?Sleep TalkerAm I A Prude?MasturbationLack of InterestCross-Dressing BoyfriendNo Desire For Sex 2Was I Sexually Abused?Can A Marriage Withstand Group Sex?Sex and IntimacyUncomfortably NumbNot There for MeI've Lost Interest in SexLosing My Sex Appeal?Orgasm Without Sex?!My Sex Drive is Out of Control!Sexual FantasiesTumultuous RelationshipMy Husband is a Cross-DresserArousal Disorder?Recovery TimeShould I Swing?Orgasmlessjb writes:
LinksBook Reviews
Related Topics

Family & Relationship Issues
Homosexuality & Bisexuality
Relationship Problems

Ask Dr. SchwartzAsk Dr. Schwartz:
Psychotherapy and Mental Health questions

Single Mom in Relationship, Withholding Affection, Stand-Off?

Mon, Feb 1st 2010

Hi! I have a beautiful 12 year old daughter, Emily. Her Dad and I divorced three years ago. I began dating my current boyfriend, James, shortly after leaving my husband. I now live with James and my daughter. My ex husband has Emily every other weekend. This has been a good arrangement because James and I can go out on the town or just have "us time" every other week. That is more time than most people with kids have alone together.

Recently, my daughter is going through a bit of depression. I have her in counseling and she and I are very close. It has to do with some loneliness and abandonment issues revolving mainly around her Dad. James tries hard to connect with her but she hasn't really warmed up to him fully. She is doing well in most aspects now.

James seems to be pulling away from me during this time in my life. Here is why I feel that way. Emily was home with us this past weekend. James called me Friday and said he would like to take Emily and me to watch the full moon rise on the pier, go for a short walk, then go out to dinner. I agreed. However, when when we got to the pier Emily was shivering even through her sweater. She was coming down with a cold. We left and went to dinner and then we went home and we all watched a movie together. It was a nice evening. I thought all was well. Earlier in the week James mentioned going out with just the two of us Saturday night. There is a nightclub that his favorite local band was playing at. He loves to go dancing with me. He thought Emily could stay at a friends over night. I said I would look into that and if I worked it out, then we could go.

Saturday morning I was snuggled up to James and he sort of pulled away. I gave all the signals but he got out of bed. I said something I shouldn't have, something to the effect that "I have to take care of myself in bed." I probably said it because I felt a bit rejected. We both got up and went to the grocery store for coffee and things. On the way home I told him it was unlikely we would be able to go out dancing since Emily was sick. That is when he began getting an attitude, which is really unlike him. He said that I spend too much time worryng about Emily, and that she exaggerates her problems. He said that she can take care of herself for the night. I said that in no way am I leaving my 12 year old daughter home alone, not to mention she has been depressed, and she has a cold!

We got in this huge arguement over this issue. I felt like he was being completely selfish and unreasonable. He even went so far as to make a remark that he should be able to go without me. I asked him not to, as that would hurt me. I asked him how he would feel if I went out dancing at a club when he was sick and couldnt go. It was so unlike him to even suggest that! He has always been so great and understanding over the past three years about us having every other weekend and knowing that when Emily is with us we do family stuff.

Why all of a sudden the attitute? And why NOW when I actually need his support the most? Parenting is hard and I need his support. He raised two daughters of his own who are now in their early twenties. You would think he would get it. He kept saying he was just really disappointed because he had been looking forward to our night out. It's true that we have not been out dancing in a while and this particular band won't be back for some time. So, I get his disappointment but I can't change the fact I'm a parent and I consider myself a dedicated, caring one! I appologized for the comment I made in bed because it seemed to set the mood before the arguement. He appologized for not responding to my "needs" in bed in the first place. Then he said he was over the whole issue of going out and he would adjust. I even suggested that maybe he would want to go to his friends house (all our friends gather there to socialize on the weekends) and I would be fine staying home with Emily. It was just one weekend! However, he didn't go anywhere.

We stayed home that night and I  thought we were OK. I figured (wrongly) that our sex life would pick up again since I had let him know how I was in need of some "attention" in the bedroom. He used to be very responsive and always wanted to make sure I was happy in bed. Well, that night (Saturday), and yesterday morning, nothing happened. There was barely even a snuggle. The same thing happened last night and this morning. There was no sex and no touching. I used to touch him and be really affectionate (and he loves that). But I stopped touching him since Saturday and that awful argument and P his unresponsiveness to me.

So, I have been friendly but not affectionate. I'm waiting for him to approach me (sexually) because I'm really tired of being the one to show more affection and then get flatly turned down and  ignored in bed for so many days. Since I've pulled back, he has not initated anything at all. 

Are we at a permanent stand still? Is this a game of wills? Or is he mad and with-holding affection? Or maybe he is falling out of love? He did call me this morning at work, sort of checking in, and said I seemed distant. Seriously, he must know why! Besides, If I spell it out for him in words, maybe he will get defensive and it will seem like I am pushing him for sex. I would hate to come accross like that. Can you help???

THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION WILL NOT BE DISPLAYED UNTIL YOU HAVE INDICATED YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THE DISCLAIMER PRINTED JUST BELOW. CLICK THE 'I AGREE' BUTTON TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS AND SEE THE RESPONSE.

Disclaimer

  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.